Now is the life of our discontent

You know those wonderful, late-night, whispered conversations with your spouse? The ones where you find new reasons to stay in love, gain some unknown insight and connect in ways that make you sure that you are exactly where you are meant to be? We had that last night.

We are not people who are capable of contentment. We raise our eyebrows at those who are.

It started with our discussing our relationship. We had guests from the neighborhood last night, and I said how exhausting I find that. I CAN’T talk with them the way I talk with my friends. I have to check what I say. I cannot be as direct. It wears me out, and makes me continually grateful for my tribe of women. Chris said that he could never go back to having a partner who did not process things with logic and clarity and then share them. We talked about how in some relationships topics are approached gingerly or with great sensitivity. We don’t have that here. “I get crazy when you forget to take down the recycling.” “I think you are wrong to let Meara climb the maple tree and here is why…..” etc, etc, etc

Chris said that he likes to think that other people who have strong marriages are like us. “I know we are unique, but I’ll bet that most other good marriages are very similar to ours.” I thought about that for a long time while he expanded on that. Finally he said, “I know you are thinking. Can you please do it out loud?”

I said know a lot of strong marriages that were not like ours. I know a lot of strong marriages where one or both people do not feel the need to voice every grievance or to try to make suggestions about every aspect of each other’s lives. When I relate conversations that Chris and I have, a lot of people say, “I would never say that to my spouse” or “I couldn’t tell him/her that” or “I never have been that straightforward with my partner”. My all time favorite: "I do NOT get your marriage."

I did not immediately answer what I was thinking. But what I came up with was this: those people whose relationships appear so different from ours are content. They accept things “as is” in ways that Chris and I cannot and do not. We went on to examine how in every part of lives, we are not content. Something ALWAYS can be faster, more efficient, more logical, BETTER. Last week Chris asked me if he thought that we were missing the joy in raising our kids. Last night, I was able to say “YES!” Of course we are. We are busy trying to make continuous improvement in ourselves and our kids. There is never a sense of “This is a good spot. Let’s just rest here.” What is the next spot and how do we get there in the most direct, seamless manner?

That goes for every part of lives. We are never content. Our marriage, our kids, our house, the world….it could all be better and we are obligated to make it so. Some people confuse that with being unhappy, and that is not true for us. We both are incredibly happy. Identifying problems and solving them brings us joy. I understand that people think we are grumbly, that we bitch a lot, are joyless or believe the glass-is-half-empty, but we aren’t like that. If the glass is half empty, it is simply because we have not worked out how to fill it yet. We are just working through life as we see it and working on how to make it better.

“Do you think that is why I am so different from my parents?” “Duh.” Chris’s dad is the most content person I know. You could plop him anywhere and he would be “okay”. He is never wildly happy or really upset about anything. He has not made any effort that I have ever seen to make himself or his life better. He would live in that little shack on the river and never change a thing. He is content almost all the time. Whatever is going on is just fine with him. Chris’s mom is less so, but she is far more likely to think, “Well, that’s just the way things are” than we ever would be.

I used to measure myself against moms who I see as Zen. So patient, so accepting of their children as they are, just willing to be. I hated myself for not being that mom. Framing it with the idea of contentment helps me be more accepting, but also helps me not beat myself up when I am just working to improve my kids’ understanding, behavior or knowledge. It is not so much that I am not accepting the moment as it is, but more of a case of knowing it could be better.

“How long have we been together? 10 years? I am over 40. How is it that I am just figuring this out? Way to go, babe. That makes all the sense in the world.”

FRK 2.1

The bus:
Only you know your motivation for your bus stop routine, but I bet your kids do too. I think kids recognize the difference between “Mom is excited to see us” and “Mom is all freaked out about kidnappings.” I think your reasons are clear for you and your family. The reason my neighbor did bus stop duty? “Anything could happen.” Yes, they could be hit by lightning or learn dirty jokes or all manner of “anything” is possible. I had asked if the school had bus stop volunteers because I had seen her there each morning. Nope. She was on self-determined guard duty. And she did stop about half-way through the year, so good for her!

Your greeting of “Welcome home! How was your day?” with a laid back conversation up the driveway is probably a far cry from the moms who hustle their kids inside and keep them there out of fear. I acknowledge that in some neighborhoods, that actually is prudent. As someone who is looking for more opportunities to miss my kids, I think to walk them to the bus stop to talk about their day, “Science fair starts today!” or to greet them home warmly would be a memorable family ritual. But if I were doing it because I had been watching too much Nancy Grace, I would try to make myself loosen up.

Stolen cars:
Your story kind of proves my point. No kidnapping and the car was saved. Your stats are about auto theft; mine are about non-family child abduction. I am trying to find a credible citation, but it appears that accidental abductions are statistically insignificant. (I will post the links when I can verify.) I respect that is not insignificant for families who experience it, but it is not such a probability that I am willing to take everyone inside when I just need to grab bananas and peanut butter. I admit that I don’t leave them when I have to get pretzels or bread. I would be gone longer than I am comfortable to retrieve those items and get back to self-checkout. Produce is right inside the door.

Car thieves don’t want kids. They are a hassle. If the kids are apparent, they will not choose that car or probably any car nearby, as the kid are notorious tattletales. In addition, I have the luxury of having a vehicle that no one wants to steal. It is incredibly conspicuous, unwieldy (no one is getting out of a parking spot quickly) and *gasp* a diesel. Since I am not gone longer than 5 minutes from the parking lot, it would be found almost immediately. Hell, I would probably be able to hear which direction it was traveling. I am FAR less likely to leave them when we are in the attractive car for the reason that someone might actually want it.

Your anecdote actually makes me feel better. If someone, not me, started to get into the truck, I have one child who would scream his fool head off (the other would give them our home address and PIN numbers). Car thieves want quick and easy; that is not what they would get. In addition, I am not leaving them in deserted areas. I am running a quick errand at a business that has tons of patron traffic. Once the screamer started in, attention would be drawn. The glow plug delay would take longer than Will would dial 911. Would I be in trouble? Maybe. Would my kids be safe? Absolutely.

Free-range kids, part 2

The cops will come on the double, and with social workers, if your kids are unattended. It freaks them out. Understandably so. Their whole lives are spent dealing with miscreants and evil doers. When such a large percentage of your human interaction involves people you would never allow around your family, it is easy to see everyone as a threat.

I dated a cop. Our whole lives were spent in some sort of Code Yellow state of awareness. My husband is a lot like that. I don’t know how to make him realize that he is not being threatened. And he wonders why he has stress. Hm.

One of the biggest reasons that people tend to react so quickly, IMO, is that we almost completely have removed children from society. When we see them free ranging, it makes us uncomfortable and suspicious. We keep them in public buildings for 8 hours a day, then we shuttle them to and from organized activities. We simply do not see children out anymore. Because of the scarcity, when we DO see them, we go on the alert. We wonder where they are “supposed” to be and who should we call to deal with it.

Sometimes, we call the cops. The same people who are most likely to see the danger and the worst in every situation. This is necessary for their jobs, but not necessary for kids who are not under their parents’ thumbs at every moment. One of my favorite FRK issues is leaving them alone in a vehicle, as this is one of the most likely to involve law enforcement.

One of the previously mentioned preschool moms bragged that she NEVER EVER left her children unattended in a car. Why not? Were the locks broken? Was it 85 degrees? When you look at the report on the previous post, you see that parking lots are pretty safe. NEVER EVER! “I don’t even leave (my nine year old).” This is not award-worthy, as you seem to think it is. And get your nose out of the air when I say that I do it.

These are the people that are around you everywhere you go, and they are watching your choices. God forbid you decide to leave a school-aged child in car. They will arrest you and in some places take your children into state care.


10 yards away

People who leave children to bake in the cars or to freeze? Clearly abusive. You should not leave a child who is not ready to know when to leave a vehicle because you have been gone “too long” (which is a matter of comfort to the child, not you) or because they are roasting/freezing. I can aver that my 7 YO would come find me if he were too cold or too hot. I would not leave my 4 YO alone because she is not ready to do that.

It seems that asking for common sense on the part of some parents and common sense on the part of law enforcement is too much in some cases. It is the parents who leave their kids in danger who get other parents and the police all worked into a frenzy, making it impossible for the rest of us to exercise reasonable judgment without fear of arrest.

So the moms who complain about kids being left in a car (in decent weather for a reasonable amount of time) also are the ones who walk the kids to the bus stop…..a half block away. And stand at the bus stop and wait for them to get off so that they can walk them home.

It may seem like I am starting a “leave your kids in the car” movement, and I am not. I am saying that it is one step of many in allowing our kids a little more freedom. I am saying that you know your kids and know how long you can leave them at what distance, based on situation, age and skill. I am saying that if another parent chooses to do that, maybe you should trust that parent to make the decision that is best for their family even if it is not best for yours. Even if you personally cannot conceive of allowing it, that does not make it a universal wrong, just wrong for you.

This also applies, but is not limited to:
• Parents who allow their children to play in the woods
• Parents who allow their children to walk to school
• Parents who allow their children to run errands for them
• Parents who allow their children to ride their bikes all over the neighborhood (please remember to use a helmet; head injuries are far more common than abduction)
• Parents who let their kids explore the library, museum, mall, amusement park, fair, carnival, park, etc without a leash

Let the kids roam free!

Next…how free-range works with homeschooling

Free-range kids

YOUR KIDS HAVE A 1 IN 1.5 MILLION CHANCE OF THE BEING THE VICTIM OF ABDCUTION BY A STRANGER

So chill out. Sheesh. If you want to learn to be reasonable about these things and not sound like a twittering (old school definition), hand-wringing alarmist, please take a moment to read this report:

US DOJ Report on Non-Family Abductions

Put your ego down and stop thinking that everything that happens is all about you and that you are so special that YOUR child would be that 1 in 1.5 million. Stop allowing your neuroses to smother your kids. I fear for the generation of kids incapable of crossing the street without calling home first.

When I first heard that Lenore Skenazy had allowed her nine year-old son to take the subway ALONE in New York City, I was shocked. What kind of mother would do something so incredibly dangerous? She was using her child as a pawn to make some sort of point! String her up!

I would say that is the typical reaction of a Midwesterner. I mean, she was in NYC, not Greenfield, Indiana! You know, the city where there are roving bands of terrorists and switchblades in every pocket. As I talked to people about her choice, I noticed my arguments were shifting to support her. I heard other parents make statements that made the terrorists and switchblades scenarios sound logical. I cannot remember the source, but someone sent me a link to her blog. As I read, I realized that what I wanted were free-range kids (FRKs). I had been; why shouldn’t they?


I thought about what I was allowed to do at nine. I was allowed to ride my bike to our small “downtown” to run errands for my parents. I was allowed to stay with our neighbors’ kids after they put them to bed and returned to my parents’ house to play cards. I went to the park by myself to go to softball practice if my brother was napping. Why? Because I had done these things hundreds of times with my parents and knew how. I realized that Lenore’s son had probably ridden the subway countless times with her and knew what to do. Putting her son on the subway was in no way irresponsible (she gave him money to use a pay phone if he needed help, BTW); putting MY son, who only has ridden the subway in Montreal twice, on the NYC subway would be unthinkable. After nine years of riding with mom, her son was more than ready.

In our former preschool, one of the issues one year was moms leaving their non-students in the car while they dropped off and picked up. The school is housed in a church at a busy intersection. There are lots of people around, and anyone stealing a vehicle with a child in it would not be able to make a quick get away. Moms were continually moving in and out of the building. It was not uncommon for a parent to address an unknown person what they were doing. “Can I help you?” And yet, there were memos and quotation of policies sent to all the parents along with the whispers and judging. Guess which mom was leaving her kid in the car....me.


My situation was a little different. My son had graduated from preschool and was being homeschooled. Some of the parents were leaving infants, which I would consider irresponsible. Will was in the truck reading a book. He has a life beyond dropping off his sister. He had homework to do. He is a relatively cautious kid by nature, so even if the truck were running he was not going to jump into the driver’s seat. Of course, being my green self, I did not leave the truck running. I usually left my purse in the truck, so he would have had my cell phone too. “If someone takes off with you in the truck, call 911.” And then we would laugh.

When he was in preschool and my daughter was an infant, I did not leave her in the car, nor would I today. Infants are not meant to be free range. They are meant to be appendages. When the policy was being discussed, I expressed concern for the infants who may be left to cry for 10 minutes or more. This was not at all the reasoning behind the policy (being championed by lots of CIO mom, BTW); it was that ANYTHING could happen. When my daughter was an infant, we had six babies of similar age who had older siblings at the school. We would take turns either staying in the parking lot with the little ones or taking the big ones in. We saved a lot of naps that way. Leaving a baby unattended is unthinkable to me because they do not have the capacity not to feel a little panicky when no one responds. A six year old does not think he has been abandoned.

I wish I’d had Lenore’s book then. I would have told them “Will’s chances of dying increase 40 times the minute I get in the truck and we start moving.” That’s right; he is 40 times more likely to die in a car wreck than be abducted by a stranger. I am taking my kids swimming tomorrow (driving nonetheless!) They are 20 times more likely to drown than to be snatched. Getting there and back, putting them in the water…no one would say a thing to me. If I leave my kids for three minutes in the library parking lot while I pick up my hold, I have old women swarming the car and threatening to call the police.

Next….the police and their perception of danger…..

Indy Pride Fest this weekend!

I will be marching with the UUs in the parade.

Over 24 hours alone, and what have I done?

Weeded the garden, harvested strawberries, made lists for camping, shower and 15 minute nap, Indian dinner, hardware store, washed outside of all windows (poorly), long bike ride, waited for tornado that never came, read, listened to the Live INUIY show, slept, swept, breakfast, church...

Now I am getting ready to go to the groceries. The glamour never stops.

This may not be coherent. I am angry.

Oh, the Prop 8 thing has me steamed. I am not gay. I am not looking to marry another chick. But I cannot escape the fact that this shit is un-American.
I am not sure where to begin; I guess I will start with what I do NOT believe.

I don’t believe the government should force churches who opposed gay marriage to recognize it. That would be a frightening over-reach of government boundaries, but to my knowledge no one has seriously proposed that. More importantly, if your church does not accept whom you love, why are you a member?

I don’t believe a government can say it is founded on equality, democracy and justice when it denies some of its citizens a basic right. I believe the right to have your relationship recognized by the government and they should not pick with whom you have a legally-recognized relationship as long as everyone is a consenting adult. The government should never dictate to a religion. (If you want to get into the polygamy thing, I will, but not right now.)

I don’t believe that a religion’s definition of what is marriage should apply to government definitions. Again, HUGE church/state issues. Establishment clause, my ass.

This TIME article says everything Chris and I have proposed for years (please note that the church in the photo is a UU Church). Civil unions or whatever you call them are recognized for ALL couples by the government. A marriage would be a religious definition of a relationship. Chris and I were married in the Garfield Park Conservatory by one of my favorite professors from grad school. Under my proposal, we are not married, though we get equal treatment under the law as people who have a ceremony in a church.

It infuriates me that we force our children to recite “with liberty and justice for all” each morning when they have no clue what that means. Even worse, it is not true. “With liberty and justice for those who meet some religious measure of who deserves equality that has been imposed on my government.” I will be marching in the Indy Pride parade this year.

Even more irksome is that it is only a matter of time until gay unions are legal. This USA Today Poll has more data that I cannot find right now, but when you break these numbers down, people under 30 have no strong feelings against gay marriage (listen to today Diane Rehm show for further breakdown.) There is this poll as well that shows that Americans are OK with civil unions.

Regardless of popular opinion, the job of our courts is to uphold the rights of American citizens. And they fucked up big time on this one.

Super smart blog that I follow

Free Range Kids

Bad blogger. Sorry. Kinda.

O my gosh. The talk among all my friends is travel. I am just GAH to get on a plane.

You see, there was a time when we pretty much did whatever the hell we wanted. We accepted debt as part of life. We were certainly not extravagant, but we were willing to finance "experience" though not things. (If you have seen my furniture, you get this.)

By the time Meara was born, Will had flown three times. At 18 months we flew to New Mexico where we enjoyed that state then traveled by car to Pagosa Springs, CO. The following spring, we flew to FLA. The next fall we flew to Boston and drove to New Hampshire.

Meara has never been on a plane. That doesn't mean she has not traveled. When she was a few months old, we started using grease to fuel the vehicles. She has been all over the Midwest, to Lake George, Montreal and Niagara Falls. Our decision to do most of our domestic travel with free fuel has actually freed up more cash for travel.

But the call of unknown cultures is strong. While the terrain and demographics can be so different across the US, the overall culture is the same. There are few surprises. I would love to just be dropped somewhere and see how it goes.

Justyn left for Kenya, taking 4 days in Amsterdam on the way. Anna is planning trips to Australia and possibly other foreign locales. Rachael is enamored of Central America and determined to make it happen. Eight years ago, we had just returned from Greece.

Those are not cheap trips. With domestic travel, we can get an RV, cook our own food, have crazily inexpensive lodging and never have to be in a hotel. (Hotels turn my children into demon spawn, for reasons I have yet to figure out.) We have been doing the Dave Ramsey plan. We are so close on number two. So close that it is tempting to say, "Screw it" and take out four grand and hang with Strothers in Kenya.

Responsibility....gah.

Enjoyed this gift from a friend

My funny little girl

Yesterday, Meara told me that she wanted to write peanuts. I got her paper and a pencil. Easy enough. For the past few weeks she has been writing pages of letters and asking me what it says. I circle the "real" words; "hit" and "hip" come up a lot, and I sound out the "fake" words for her. This writing peanuts was new. About peanuts? With peanuts? Who knows?

She came back with "Nisfor".
M: What does that say?
A: Nisfor
M: No, it don't! *stomps away angrily*

She came back and shoved a book in my lap, "It says THAT!" And it did. It said: N is for

Beneath it was a picture of nuts.

M: Now I am going to write NO
A: Do you know how to spell it or do you want help?
M: N-O is how I spell it!

"So take that, stupid Mommy" was implied with through the tone.

Tonight, Chris is putting the children to bed. Their doors are at a right angle, so he can stand facing both doorways and still see in both rooms. When he puts them to bed, he reads from the hallway. Meara really wanted a specific book tonight, read by Daddy in her bed. Chris said he would read it to both of them. "That is NOT a hallway book!"

She makes me laugh.

Dora and the world of free enterprise

This blog (associated with the wonderful book) goes into the details and nuances far better than I can, so I will leave it to them:

Packaging Girlhood

Whatever you think about the Dora controversy specifically, I think we all can agree that it is irksome that some people in the world only see our beautiful, talented, unique daughters as single-minded consumers.